* Disclosure: This pattern contains affiliate links, which means I, Leah Gordon, may earn a small commission from purchases made, at no additional cost to you. These are products I highly recommend and use.*
As of lately I’ve been in a perpetual battle with all of me. I ping pong between “doing my absolute best” and feeling like “a failure at everything.” I create a design and think, wow, I’m really onto something. Then I fall short on publishing a new blog post about the design and all the work that went into it. I quickly begin to feel the FOMO of not keeping up. I begin to torture myself with the guilt of not measuring up financially to my husband’s successes, or financial successes of my prior life in retail management. The cycle lasts from mere moments to days of torment.
I’m blessed to have overcome the hardships that led my family to this simple pleasant life. I have a supporting doting husband who makes sure we want for nothing and sustains our lifestyle. He sees his wins as ours, and treasures me as an asset vs an expense. He reassures me daily that as long as I’m happy with my path then he is happy for me. Most days I don’t think that should be enough, but everyday I pray and express my gratitude for his grace and inevitably find some grace for myself.
When I’m not on a seesaw of professional “what if’s” I’m questioning my body’s capabilities to maintain a healthy and stable pregnancy. I also guilt myself about how present am I for my current children’s needs and desires. I quite literally only get a break from my own mind when I’m sleeping. Rest is keeping me going, keeping me sane in between all of the reasonable irrationality. When you’re 6 mos into your fourth “high risk” pregnancy and dealing with an almost 6 yo, 4 yo, and 2 yo… life really starts to feel like a joke. My oldest misses her extended family, some of which won’t make the time to visit. The few who might be available usually aren’t because of their own lifestyles, thus begins the dissolution of the proverbial village required to raise a child.
What do I do besides explain to my children that people have lives outside of their desires? I grew up only having deep connections with a few cousins. The majority of my childhood was time spent with my brother, my parents, neighborhood kids, and eventually my close circle of high school friends. Funny enough my brother and I both would eventually marry partners who had large extended families who somewhat regularly gathered together in ways we weren’t accustomed. This was a glimmer of hope that our children would develop a deeper connection and sense of family outside the household.
Then Covid-19 happened and now it’s hard to align schedules to see much of anyone, taking public safety into consideration. My husband and I are quickly becoming the “bad guys” every time we have to tell my oldest she can’t leave the house, or her loved ones aren’t available. She conflates being told she’s missed by loved ones as they want to see her immediately, when all they’re trying to do is express their affection and let her know she’s still loved by them. She thinks we’re keeping her at home as some form of punishment. I feel as if I’m struggling between being honest with my children, while simultaneously doing my best not to condition them into repeating my own feelings/experiences of detachment/abandonment as a child.
I don’t know how I’m managing besides prayer, moments of mindfulness, being totally honest with myself no matter how uncomfortable it gets, and sticking to creating/expressing whatever my imagination conceives. Normally I would be doing all the yoga, dancing, going for long walks, and journaling. But all the movement has been exchanged for nesting as a means to avoid preterm labor, and I’m now blogging my feels as journal substitute… because Millennial life.
Affirmations that keep me going:
- I may want for nothing, but life still does and will always present challenges to make me a better more refined version of me.
- I may not always understand or have the answers, but the journey to figuring it out is worth the effort.
- I know my children will always challenge how I choose to show up as their mother and will continue making me a better communicator, and safe haven for them.
- I know my husband will always have my front and my back, and be the steady ground I need when my mind is creating earthquakes.
- I know the family I do have is doing their best given these uncertainties, and this is only temporary.
- My life and my existence is happening for me.
- I am doing my best.
- I am successful.
I’m sharing my feels in the hopes it remind others we aren’t alone. We’re all battling something, whether it be physically, mentally, spiritually, or financially… it’s a lot. But please remember to take on your feelings/circumstances a bit at a time in manageable doses. Make sure you’re able to keep showing up for yourself however you can. If you have a support system take advantage of those who are willing to listen, and able to assist. No one should feel or be forced to struggle in silence. Find your people, method of management, maintain your peace, and sustain your wellness as best as you can.
P.S. I need help naming this vest design. I’m accepting name suggestions in the comments below! If I choose your name you’ll send you a copy on release day!
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